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In a world increasingly saturated with handheld gaming options, Microsoft has decided to dip its toes into this murky pool of mediocrity. What’s next? A handheld device that transforms into a blender? The tech giants have teamed up with Asus to unveil the ROG Xbox Ally and its slightly fancier sibling, the ROG Xbox Ally X. But let’s be real: Are these gadgets truly groundbreaking, or just more shiny distractions in a market already overflowing with ‘innovations’ that promise to revolutionize your gaming experience?
Design: A mix of old and new
Asus claims they’ve taken user feedback to heart and designed these devices with comfort in mind. Really? Because it seems like they just slapped on a few Xbox controller features and called it a day. The new models sport large, contoured grips, which are a nod to the classic Xbox controller. So, basically, if you’ve ever held an Xbox controller in your life, you’ll feel right at home. Who needs originality when you can just recycle old designs, right? And don’t even get me started on the so-called ‘textured pattern’ that’s supposed to enhance your grip. If I needed that much texture, I’d just rub my hands on a cheese grater.
Specs that scream mediocrity
The ROG Xbox Ally X is said to be powered by AMD’s latest Ryzen AI Z2 Extreme chipset. Sounds fancy, doesn’t it? But let’s break this down: an 8-core/16-thread CPU with 16 RDNA 3.5 graphics cores doesn’t exactly scream innovation when I can pick up a used gaming laptop for half the price. And sure, it boasts a 1TB SSD and a battery that’s supposed to outlast competitors. But how about we talk about the 80Wh battery? Sure, it’s bigger, but does anyone else find it amusing that the first thing we’re excited about is how long it takes to run out of juice?
The Ally or the Ally X: Which one should you pick?
So, you’ve got two options here: the budget-friendly ROG Xbox Ally and the overpriced Ally X. The former is powered by a Ryzen 2 A processor, which is basically the tech equivalent of wearing socks with sandals. It has a 4-core/8-thread CPU and 8 RDNA 2 graphics cores. Great, if you’re looking to play games from three generations ago. Is this really the best Asus can do? The display remains the same across both models: a 7-inch 1080p screen that will undoubtedly look nice until you realize it’s failing to compete with the latest smartphones.
Software that’s just a fancy wrapper
Now, let’s talk about the operating system, shall we? Both devices run on Windows 11, but with a twist—an Xbox view that’s supposedly designed for handheld use. But come on, who are we kidding? This is just a way to hide the fact that you’re still stuck with Windows. Sure, there’s some fancy ROG Armoury Crate software, but can it fix the fact that you’re still dealing with the bloatware that comes with Windows? Probably not.
Availability and pricing: The cherry on top
Pricing hasn’t been confirmed yet, but given the trend of tech companies gouging their customers, you can bet that these things will be priced like gold dust. The devices are set to launch during the holiday season across 28 countries. I can already see the lines forming, filled with eager gamers ready to drop their hard-earned cash on whatever gimmicky crap Microsoft throws at them next. Will anyone actually be happy with their purchase, or will they just end up disappointed that they didn’t wait for the next big thing?
In the end, as we plunge headfirst into this brave new world of handheld gaming, one has to wonder: are we truly ready for what’s coming, or will we just keep getting more of the same? Time will tell, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.